Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
ALAN KINGMy father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
More Alan King Quotes
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
ALAN KING






