Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!
AL FRANKENI’m the New York Jew who actually grew up in Minnesota.
More Al Franken Quotes
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Minnesotans lost their jobs because the credit rating agencies didn’t do the only job they’re supposed to have.
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When people talked about protecting their privacy when I was growing up, they were talking about protecting it from the government.
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People who have severe mental illness are in Hell. People who have lost a loved one are in Hell.
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My dad was a terrible businessman.
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When you live in New York, one of two things happen – you either become a New Yorker, or you feel more like the place you came from.
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Progressives, in a way, are the new conservatives. We want to conserve what we fought to build.
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There’s no comparison between NPR and the propaganda that you hear from Rush or from Sean Hannity.
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The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had.
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If you control the flow of information, you can control the conversation around important issues. If you can control the conversation, you can change this country.
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I want to reclaim ‘liberal.’ I’m a liberal, and I think most Americans are liberals.
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I’ve spent my entire career being a satirist.
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Service dogs raise their masters’ sense of well-being.
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Most people would rather be uncertain some of the time than 100% positive all the time – even when they’re wrong.
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Changing technologies, changing marketplaces, and even changing trends in anti-competitive practices have all presented challenges to antitrust enforcement.
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You know, Lincoln was funny. I don’t think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you’re funny.
AL FRANKEN