“There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.”

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.

I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.

I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

I love to believe that there’s one god but there’s many different religions so there’s just the question of which long distance company you pick.

The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don’t let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, ‘Well, why’d you put this spoon in this drawer then?’ ‘

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’

What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!

You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren’t.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

The window doesn’t open, the fan is broke, and my face is turning blue. I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see the Who.

They didn’t have to be a hoodlum, they didn’t have to be a gangster. They could stand up from a broken home, on welfare, and they could run for president of the United States.

I was age six or seven, and singing, “Jesus wants me for her son, beep, to shine for him,” and people smiled and pinched my cheeks till the blood vessels broke, and I knew I was doing something right.

I broke down all conclusions into illusions and confusions.

There will come a day when you will be stronger and you will forget that person that just broke your heart.

Without them, you will go broke.

My mom then got Pell Grants, put herself through college to get a degree to get a better job. Because we were broke, I then had to go to a state school.

I’m one-hundred-fifty miles off Cape Horn, both autopilots are broken, and my boat is drifting toward one of the nastiest chunks of ocean on the face of the earth.