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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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I don’t know anything about computers.
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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff.
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A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
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They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
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People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
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Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.
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