“The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody’s guess.”

I always begin at the left with the opening word of the sentence and read toward the right and I recommend this method.

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can’t blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear.

Man is troubled by what might be called the Dog Wish, a strange and involved compulsion to be as happy and carefree as a dog.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms -hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

A burden in the bush is worth two on your hands.

Somebody has said that woman’s place is in the wrong. That’s fine. What the wrong needs is a woman’s presence and a woman’s touch. She is far better equipped than men to set it right.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.