The older you get, the better you realize you were.
GEORGE CARLINPeople can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
More George Carlin Quotes
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
GEORGE CARLIN