Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
BILL MAHERI feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
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The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
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Death is nature’s way of killing you.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
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Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
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There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
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In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
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During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
BILL MAHER