Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
BILL MAHERTrusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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It’s not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That’s predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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Death is nature’s way of killing you.
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I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths.
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Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
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You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.
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Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
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Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
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We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
BILL MAHER