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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.

Bill Maher

I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
BILL MAHER

Communalism Compare Human Hypocrisy Marriage Nature
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
BILL MAHER

Democracy Donate Money Yourself
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
BILL MAHER

Disorder Faith Flying Initiative Plane Thinking
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
BILL MAHER

Abuse Children Follower Leadership Yourself
The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
BILL MAHER

Act Myself Pretend Sexuality Understand
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
BILL MAHER

Angry Generation Machine Question Young
The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
BILL MAHER

Answer Food Health Sick
There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.
BILL MAHER

Debate Right Science Subject Vote
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
BILL MAHER

Bank Funny Gun Weapon Yourself
Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
BILL MAHER

Children Law Message People Right Straight
Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
BILL MAHER

Control Government Myself Ourselves Statement
God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
BILL MAHER

God Life Misery Myself Pain Talk Terrible
I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
BILL MAHER

Myself Religious
Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
BILL MAHER

Dance Popular Stardom
We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
BILL MAHER

Fun Joke Religion
What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.
BILL MAHER

Conservative Illegal Myself Serious Sexuality Work

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.

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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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