“My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.”

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”

My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Spend time with people who get excited over even the smallest victories you earn.

I’m excited to be growing as an artist and doing unexpected things.

We all go through feelings of excitement, depression, happiness, stress, love, and the list goes on. 

Philosophy when superficially studied, excites doubt, when thoroughly explored, it dispels it.

I wrote my first novel because I wanted to read it.

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.

I miss the feeling of being excited to talk to someone.

The excitement of being on stage never goes away.