The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSMy parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS