MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
AMBROSE BIERCEIn each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
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Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
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Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.
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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
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Optimism – the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
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Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know.
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Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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