The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
LEWIS GRIZZARDThere’s no such thing as being too Southern.
More Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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Spring time is the land awakening.
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Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.
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It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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Let’s all start walking more and driving less.
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Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”
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Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
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It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
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Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
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The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
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Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.
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Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
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There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
LEWIS GRIZZARD