Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLINDon’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
More George Carlin Quotes
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
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People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
GEORGE CARLIN