No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARXEither this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX -
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX -
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARX -
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
GROUCHO MARX -
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
GROUCHO MARX -
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX -
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX -
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX -
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
GROUCHO MARX -
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX -
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
GROUCHO MARX -
She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX -
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX






