The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHTDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHTTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHTRight now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT