If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHT