“How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

I’m amazed every time I come back to Vancouver at how much it’s changed. You go away for a month and there’s three more skyscrapers.

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?

Only peril can bring the French together. One can’t impose unity out of the blue on a country that has 265 different kinds of cheese.

If I had 1,000 lives, I’d give them all for China.

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

A great destiny needs a generous diet. What can be expected of a people that live on macaroni!

Vegetarians are people who cannot hear tomatos screaming.