“I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.”

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.

Old age is always ten years more than we are.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.

It is right that you should begin again every day. There is no better way to complete the spiritual life than to be ever beginning it over again.

I want to be better at being single, and I want to be better at feeling okay about being single. I don’t need a boyfriend.

Try a little harder to be a little better.

I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.

Better friends than lovers. Sugar can’t you see? You need you and I really need me.

I improvised my life along the way – I just moved step-by-step. And I knew that if I got better, something would happen.

I am a philosopher, not a scientist, and we philosophers are better at questions than answers.

There are some things that, if you say them out loud, will hurt the other person’s feelings. I tend to say them anyway. It’s better to be honest.