“Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we’ve already wasted fifteen minutes.”

No member of our generation who wasn’t a Communist or a dropout in the thirties is worth a damn.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Republicans simply don’t know how to manage the economy.

When a person finds themselves predisposed to complaining about how little they are regarded by others, let them reflect how little they have contributed to the happiness of others.

There are no problems we cannot solve together, and very few that we can solve by ourselves.

Justice requires us to remember that when any citizen denies his fellow, saying, ‘His color is not mine,’ or ‘His beliefs are strange and different,’ in that moment he betrays America, though his forebears created this nation.

At the desk where I sit, I have learned one great truth. The answer for all our national problems – the answer for all the problems of the world – come to a single word. That word is “education.”

If we are to live together in peace, we must come to know each other better.

Democrats legislate; Republicans investigate.

We have talked long enough in this country about equal rights. It is time now to write the next chapter – and to write it in the books of law.

There is no issue of States’ rights or National rights. There is only the struggle for human rights.

Our understanding of how to live with one another is still far behind our knowledge of how to destroy one another.

I’ll have those n**gers voting Democratic for the next 200 years.

You know, doing what is right is easy. The problem is knowing what is right.

The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure.

I want real loyalty. I want someone who will kiss my ass in Macy’s window, and say it smells like roses.

Anyone who is funny and doesn’t take herself to seriously is attractive to me

Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.

Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop being surprised?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren’t funny.

I was in a movie for five minutes where I play tennis and I was given five tennis lessons for free. I never had a tennis lesson. I was like, that’s awesome! When else would I have taken up tennis?